The Trap of Perfectionism

---

I’m writing you from my rooftop – one of my favorite places to be creative. Maybe it’s being closer to nature. Maybe it’s the sun on my face, but up here I feel like I can just be me, unfiltered, not forcing anything and not trying too hard.

This is the thing I want to talk to you about today – the trap that we can easily fall into of trying too hard. The other side of this coin is what happens when we are trying to get something exactly right before putting it out into the world or handing in that deliverable.

The Feedback Conundrum

I’m having a total flashback right now. I was 22 years old, working in the Training and development department at Wegmans Food Markets. It was an incredible opportunity after college to create Produce University, which was a mix of on-the-job and classroom training. In one encounter with one of the department’s long-standing employees, she said to me “you’re being a perfectionist”. That comment stayed with me even until this day. I think that’s because I had no idea what do to do about that feedback. I wanted to do a good job as someone who understood the store environment, even though I didn’t have a background in instructional design, like most in the department did. Her comment made me wonder if I was being too slow, or spending too much time getting it just right. I didn’t have a deeper conversation with her at the time because I didn’t realize I could. The person I am now would have slowed down the conversation and asked for more clarity, and to understand what her unstated expectations were.

This story also showcases the opportunity she missed as a leader. She could have been encouraging about my desire to produce great work and then show me where I could grow. She gave what could have been helpful feedback, but then provide no tools, suggestions or ideas on how to action it.

I would encourage you to ask yourself when you give feedback, do you assume the other person knows exactly what you mean, or how to action it? As a leader, it’s your responsibility to know what is needed for your feedback to be actioned in a constructive way.

What is perfectionism?

So, perfectionism. Though I heard it early on, it never really landed as a word I would use it describe how I operate. But I can acknowledge how I see its meaning through examples, so let me give you one in case it helps you see your habits in a new light.

I as I have done many times, I facilitated a workshop on our inner critics / narratives and at the end, as I usually do, I provided a survey. I figured my inner critic would come along for that – and she sure did – but I was thinking I could use all my tools and keep her at bay.

I’ll spare you the details, but fast forward to the conversation that I had with my coach about the masterclass and the survey. She smiled and said – wow those are great results. She then looked up at me and could see that my inner critic was not happy by the expression on my face. My inner critic wanted better results.

“What metrics would you be happy about?”, she asked.

I put my head in my hands. SHIT. YA GOT ME.

The answer was 100%. And even then, if I did get those scores I’m sure I would look at the comments to see if there was anything to balk at. What do you call that? Perfectionism? Seeking the ultimate performance? Finding reasons to tell myself I could have done better?

While I’m not in the pursuit of Olympic gold, I am in the pursuit of excellence. How do I delineate those two? The truth is that I did a damn fine job. The survey even said so.

So why is my inner critic seeking a perfect score? Hypothesis: Perhaps a perfect score would give me permission to not beat myself up?

Let’s also look at some deeply embedded conditioning; our schooling teaches us that 100% is achievable – but in the real world – is that even possible? Think about it. Who even gets to determine if 100% is achieved?

Where do our standards come from?

We also have to consider the kinds of messages we’ve heard regarding performance in our lifetime. Some of these examples below have been said to me verbatim, and some of them are interpretations of actions – or inactions by others.

If you’re bad at it, there’s no point to trying (no support for a learning process)

There’s only one right way to do it (you’re wrong if you do it another way)

100% gets rewarded with ice cream, anything less… it’s expected you do well (you only get rewarded for ‘perfect’ or exceptional performance)

“That was great.” my boss says, then two weeks later tells me “It could have been better.” (mixed messaging)

Reviews that focus on ‘opportunities for improvement’ aka weaknesses (not focusing on strengths)

All of these messages and conditioning have impacted my thought and behavior patterns. At the same time, at the deepest levels I know that perfect is complete bullshit.

I call foul on perfectionism

Perfect according to whom? What standard? Perfect is a lie, it doesn’t exist. Perfect appearance was never attainable for me because let’s be honest scars are not deemed as perfection. No surgery would make me feel ‘normal’. Nothing could erase my scars, and no matter then lengths I went to I knew I would never ‘look’ or ‘sound’ like the socially acceptable norm. I knew perfection was a sham and I never bought into it. Status quo never operated in my favor and I learned early on to investigate the givens, the assumptions and the expectations.

This phenomenon of holding conflicting things at once, well that is for sure the nature of being human. We hold our deep knowing of what is enough, what is good, what is excellence. At the same time, we can see what is unreasonable, what is oppressive, and what is a damn lie all together. We hold onto someone else’s measuring stick while at the same time we know how we would define success, even if we haven’t admitted it to ourselves.

In today’s world of social comparisons gone wild, we look to other people’s expectations and forget that the only expectations that matter are the ones we define for ourselves.

Which narrative do we feed?

The choice we get to make then is to decide what narrative to feed. And that is an important choice when you start to ask yourself;

What does it cost you to try too fucking hard?

What does it cost you to do the most, instead of doing simply enough?

This is why we have to look at our own expectations. Just the other day I watched a clip of Michael Jordan explaining that the expectations he set for his kids was for them to set their own expectations. AMEN!! Is this not the whole unlock for perfectionism?

Perfectionism Unlocked

For crystal clarity…the unlock of perfectionism is: understanding how you want to move in the world and aligning your expectations and actions to the compass that you define (not those your inner critic has for you). You can ask yourself questions like:

How do you want to define success?

How do you want to use your most valuable resource of time?

What kind of input do you desire, and from whom?

I look to myself – do I want to spend time questioning if I could have done better? Or do I want to spend time making the next supportive piece of content for someone to benefit from?

My take on perfectionism is that it’s a form of self- sabotage. Because if you’re still focused on getting fill-in-the-blank perfect, it’s preventing you from taking on bigger, more ambitious initiatives. It’s preventing you from getting results NOW. It’s preventing you from learning and growing more quickly.

Unhooking from perfectionism

When you’re in the weeds and in the details of your efforts my advice is to zoom out. Take a look at the bigger picture.

What matters most to your stakeholders?

What do you really care about?

Is it about getting 100%, or about meaningful impact?

Is it about pulling out the measuring stick, or trusting yourself?

Are parts 1-5 important, or is part 2 really the thing you have to nail?

The trap in the badge of perfectionism

If you’ve gotten this far and you’re patting yourself on the back for your perfectionist tendencies then honey, sit with that for a hot minute.

Wearing perfectionism as a badge of honor means you are more than likely draining your own energy unnecessarily. It may even mean that you’re not honoring your own skills, abilities or self-worth. I urge you to look at the bars you set for yourself and then ask if you move them higher the second you reach them.

Let the thick of springtime remind you that when the flowers grow, they don’t all rise up perfectly straight, they aren’t all the same height, some petals rip off, and some have a tough growing season, but together they create the most exceptional beauty from every vantage point. If all you give yourself permission to do is grow that one perfect red tulip, you could be missing on a field of beauty.

Sending you love, grace and a bushel full of self-compassion.

For more on this topic, tune into episode 97 on The Unlock Lab:

Ep 97: How to Stop Overdoing and Break Free from Perfectionism

Cheers to being perfectly imperfect,

Tosca DiMatteo