Why Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish: Solving the Leadership Equation
- Tosca DiMatteo
- 5 days ago
- 2 min read
On paper, you have the accolades. You have the technical skills that businesses have overemphasized for decades. But if you feel like you’re pushing a boulder up a hill, it’s likely because your Human Skills are out of balance. Human Skills are the ability to look at yourself, understand your habits, and see what needs to shift so you can actually reach your goals.
The most fundamental principle I share with my clients is this: to be a successful leader, you must put yourself first in the equation of your life.
The Trap of Self-Sacrifice
We live in a world that has indoctrinated us into specific roles. Women are often conditioned to be the caregiver, putting themselves last on every list. Men are conditioned to be the provider, often sacrificing their own well-being to meet financial or societal expectations. We must usurp these traditional ways of looking at our responsibilities.
When you find yourself at the very end of your own priority list, the consequences are heavy. You fall into resentment. You edge toward burnout. You become a cheerleader for everyone else, while your own dreams sit on a shelf. Worst of all, you abandon your own needs and desires.
Lessons from Walking Pneumonia
I lived for many years in a cycle of self-abandonment. Years ago, on a family ski trip, I was physically exhausted. My husband, Ryan, wanted to keep the kids on the slopes, and even though I felt wiped out, I gave in. I didn't want to "let anyone down" or deal with the discomfort of a boundary.
A few days later, I was in urgent care diagnosed with walking pneumonia.
I was more mad at myself than anyone else. I had ignored my own body's signals. We often choose "instant gratification"—saying yes to avoid guilt or an argument—over the long-term health and longevity of our leadership.
The Benefits of the Overflowing Cup
Putting yourself first is not selfish; it’s the first step in Human Skills development. When you honor your own needs, several things happen:
Capacity Increases: You serve from an overflowing cup rather than a depleted one, giving you more patience for your team.
Confidence Grows: You begin to see that your needs are human and valid, not a sign of weakness.
The Ripple Effect: You provide a model for others. When your team sees you being present and grounded, they realize they don't have to participate in hustle culture or martyrdom to be successful.
Solving the Equation
With everything going on in the world right now—politically and economically—staying constructive requires us to honor our unique needs. If you don't, you’ll find yourself disheartened and ineffective.
Start with micro-experiments. It could be as simple as going to the bathroom when you need to rather than waiting for a call to end. It will feel uncomfortable at first. You might feel guilty, and those who have benefited from your self-sacrifice might push back. But remember: it’s your birthright to be at the top of your own list.
