What happens when you see the truth for the first time?

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Human skills are about more deeply understanding yourself, so that you can see how you are showing up in the world – not just for yourself but for others.

While it may be hard to admit, the biggest deterrent to learning more about yourself and your patterns could be because you’re afraid to find out what you learn. This is something I completely understand.

About six years ago I decided to attend a weekend 'retreat' that I attended once before, which was designed to help you have a profound breakthrough in your life in a group setting.  The first time I was clear on why I was going, but this second time around I didn't know what I needed to discover, but I felt the urge to go.

So there I was at the mercy of two facilitators as I stood in front of 20 strangers. It was my turn to look hard at myself. What that moment revealed was something in my behavior pattern that made me feel deeply ashamed. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to not believe it. 

For the first time, I saw what I did to receive the love and attention I yearned for. I saw some of my very specific behaviors for the manipulation tactics they were. 

I still remember standing in front of these 20 people, embarrassed and unwilling, or perhaps unable to admit my behaviors, because of the deep shame that I felt. I felt that if I admitted it, then I was admitting I was a terrible person. 

One of the facilitators then pointed at another participant and asked them ‘and what do you do’? That participant bravely said the thing they do that they aren’t proud of, but that was their truth. The facilitator then pointed at another person, and another person, and another. 

One by one, the folks in that room shared their ugly, and also beautiful truth. 

And one by one, I felt less alone. 

One by one, I felt more understood. 

One by one, I felt less ashamed because I could see my pattern wasn’t who I was. 

Those behaviors were what it was I learned to do at a young age to get attention and love. Back then, they were survival tactics. 

With this new awareness I went back into the world. And layer after layer I continued to unravel my pattern and stop my destructive patterns. Because it WAS destructive, not just with the people I was interacting with, but to MYSELF. My behaviors were an attempt to maintain a connection because at my core I didn't believe I was worthy of it by just being me. The consequences of all of this was that I had a pattern of staying in relationships that were well past their expiration date.

I started to change my behavior, and the result was my relationships shifted. Some relationships ended because I stopped forcing them, while others got stronger. 

The way that I led became more authentic and powerful, because I could accept the parts of myself I once shamed myself for. I could more clearly see who I was and what I believed in, and I could show up better for myself and for others, without apology or overdoing. 

When you stop forcing things to happen, you start allowing what’s truly meant for you.

Human skills development is the work of your life, and it means learning about the parts of you that are in the shadows. If you’re willing to shine a light on them and accept them, while making new choices about who you want to be moving forward, the reward is that you get to up-level your leadership, your relationships and your results.

If you’ve been wanting an unlock your next level of leadership, there's no better time to get started than now.  I would be honored to help you find the key. Schedule an exploratory call here.

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Stay Feisty, Fabulous and Flawed,

Tosca DiMatteo