How to Take Your Power Back Through Discernment
- Tosca DiMatteo
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
You get to take your time, your energy, and your power back and discernment is how you do it. When you keep giving from an empty cup and ignoring your own needs, you are abandoning yourself and that is not a pathway for expansion.
In this week's episode of The Unlock Lab, I share how long it took me to believe I am allowed to be discerning about who gets access to me and what gets my attention. Worthiness has been one of my deepest wounds, and for years that translated into overgiving, overextending, and saying yes when my whole body was saying no.
Learning I’m Allowed To Be Discerning
I used to believe that being of service meant never turning people away: if someone wanted my time, I felt like I “should” give it. If an opportunity came across my path, I told myself it might be the one, so I’d better not close the door. Underneath that was a scarcity story fear that if I said no, nothing else would come, or I’d somehow miss my one shot.
You Are Sovereign
Here’s the truth I want you to feel in your bones: you are sovereign. You get to decide what is for you and what is not. You get to say, “These people get more access, these people get limited access, and these people don’t get access at all.” That isn’t about being superior or ego driven; it’s about finally honoring your time, energy, and nervous system.
Most of us are conditioned to live by “shoulds”: be a team player, go to every gathering, say yes to every meeting, pick up every call, be endlessly available. We rarely stop to ask, “Do I actually want this? Does this feel good in my body? Is this aligned with what I say I want for my life?” Discernment is that pause, the shift from autopilot to intentional choice.
Access Is a Privilege
A mantra that has changed my life is: access is a privilege. Out of billions of people on this planet, the ones who get your time and presence are privileged to be in your world. That includes colleagues, clients, friends, and yes, even family. Access is not automatic, and it doesn’t have to be forever just because it once was.
I talk in the episode about how I used to say yes to nearly every “let’s connect” message or “pick your brain” request. I’d stay on calls longer than my energy could afford because I wanted to be supportive and available. Over time, I realized I was pouring my best energy into people and situations that hadn’t actually earned that level of access, which meant I had less capacity for my own healing, my business, and the relationships that truly filled my cup.
The Hidden Cost of Saying Yes to Everything
The cost of not being discerning shows up everywhere:
In your calendar: days stacked with meetings that don’t really need you there.
In your relationships: spending time with people who leave you drained instead of nourished.
In your opportunities: accepting things that aren’t aligned because you’re afraid nothing else will come.
I share a story about a client in a high-stress role who felt she had to attend every single meeting she was invited to. When we looked more closely, she saw that many of those meetings were not mission critical and could be declined, delegated, or shortened. Once she started making more discerning choices, she felt less overwhelmed and more grounded, and her actual impact at work improved.
From Scarcity to Self-Trust
The big shift underneath discernment is moving from scarcity to self-trust. Scarcity says, “If I don’t say yes, I’ll lose something,” while self-trust asks, “Does this feel right for me?” Scarcity pushes you to accept misaligned invitations out of fear; discernment reminds you that when you say no to what isn’t for you, you create space for what is.
Sometimes that space feels uncomfortable at first. Your calendar might look emptier. You might have fewer social plans or fewer “networking” calls. But that quiet is not proof you made a mistake; it’s an opening. It’s where your energy can come back to you so that the next yes can be wholehearted instead of half-hearted.
A Simple Practice to Build Your Discernment Muscle
Discernment is a muscle, and you don’t have to perfect it overnight. In the episode, I offer one simple, powerful practice: whenever you can, give yourself 24 hours before saying yes or no. That pause helps you step out of your automatic response system that is likely unconscious and into clarity.
In that space, you can ask yourself:
What do I actually want here?
How does my body feel when I imagine saying yes? Saying no?
Does this choice honor my energy, my values, and my goals right now?
You won’t always nail it. Sometimes you’ll realize after you’ve said yes that something doesn’t feel right. That’s not failure; that’s information. Each time you notice, you strengthen your ability to catch misalignment sooner and to honor your inner yes and inner no more quickly.
Questions For You
As you read this, let yourself be honest:
Where in your life would you benefit from being more discerning?
Who or what are you giving energy to that hasn’t earned that level of access?
Where might you be abandoning yourself in order to avoid disappointing someone else?
Your first answers are often the truest. You're not wrong for wanting more alignment. You are not selfish for protecting your time and energy. You are simply learning to treat access to you like the privilege that it is.
If you’re ready to stop over giving and start making choices that actually honor you, let’s talk. Click here to schedule a free clarity call and explore how I can support you in building your discernment muscle in your life and career.
