The Real Power Move as a Leader Is Not What You Think
- Tosca DiMatteo
- Sep 3
- 5 min read
I walked into a networking event, and I was feeling good. I came with the intent of having a good time. I wasn’t there looking for my next client, or business relationship. I said yes to this event because I wanted to get out of my office and just enjoy a fancy venue that was serving up food and beverage. I mean hey – I love a free meal as much as the next person.
I was even more stoked to go to this thing with a really great friend too – because going to these kinds of things with someone you know is always better!
Three steps into the room, and someone goes up to my fabulous friend and says “you look AMAZING, I love your outfit”. And it’s true, she was looking fly – as per usual. I smile, I’m so happy for her getting her flowers.
Two minutes later, it happens again. And then again. And again. They never turn to me to say ‘hi’ or introduce themselves. Honestly, I don’t even know if they see me. Truth be told, they weren’t engaging in a big old conversation with my friend either – they just had big open eyes at how magnetic she was.
But it didn’t take me long to feel completely invisible. In fact, quickly realized I felt just like I did in high school – with all the guys going up to my friends wanting to talk to them as I leaned on the bar. All I ever wanted to do was get on that damn dance floor anyway. Back then I often became the gatekeeper to my friends, and in those cases the charm was turned on just so they could get what they actually wanted – access.
And here I am in this room and I’m happy for my friend – truly I am. But I could feel the back of my eyes welling up. NO! NO! NO! This is ridiculous. I squeeze them back and keep it moving - oh look at the view from here...
On our way to the subway to go home, we stop at a chocolate shop. YUM! I love this place and excitedly place my order. The gentleman behind the counter makes a move… he asks my friend if she wants a sample. She says, what about my friend? And he makes some lame excuse about how I’m buying stuff. He then offers me a sample too. But again, we know what he’s really doing here.
I get on the subway, emotions are now full court press, and the damn is filling up behind my eyes. I can’t hold it back and now I’m that person on the subway with tears rolling down my eyes. I pat them to make it look like maybe my eyes are just watering. Oh the things we do to cover up… I make it home and can finally exhale and remove my mascara.
Why do I share?
When our past comes to the present moment, they become our triggers. When we can see this we can see where our personal growth work is. My emotions were outsized that night, not because of what was happening in that actual moment, but because of the big, heavy feelings that were elicited from being in similar situations years ago.
The work isn’t to bury it and move on. The work is to feel it, and understanding it, and move through it.
Otherwise, the next time I encounter this situation my emotions would undoubtably become even bigger, and possibly get in the way of my goals – whether it was to have fun, have a productive meeting, or have powerful presence during conversations. Making space to feel your feelings is the exact advice I gave to leaders in a panel about leading in uncertain times with Consciously Unbiased. Does anyone want to follow this advice? Doubtful, I mean the daunting to-do list feels so much easier.
Believe me, I would have loved to bury the whole thing, but I knew I had to look at it. In looking at it, feeling it, and sitting with it, I was able to come to the understanding that the feelings were no ones fault, not even mine. The feelings were big not because of what was happening in the moment, but because I was reminded about a very tough emotional time in my life. The experience reminded me to come back to deepening my own self-validation and self-love, one of my biggest life lessons.
The story also communicates a concept that perhaps has become so mainstream that it’s lost the depth of what it means. The concept being that what everyone, EVERYONE actually wants in this life, and especially in the workplace, is to feel seen, heard, and to feel like it matters that you are in the room. You don't have to take my word for it though - have you heard the rumblings of the 'Quiet Cracking' that's happening in workplaces?
Being a leader means you are acutely aware of these needs, and that you place these needs first on every single ‘to-do’ list. Being a leader means that you’re paying attention to the interpersonal dynamics at play. It means you spend time processing your own emotions so that you don’t project onto others AND so that you have space (aka emotional capacity) to hold for what others are going through.
So when you see these leadership concepts around feeling heard, seen and valued – know that the work starts first with yourself. Honor what it takes to do this for yourself. To value deeply who you are and what you bring into every room, regardless of who’s able to reflect that back to you. To hear and know your own thoughts, see your own light and to not shrink when you’re not acknowledged, but to stand tall in exactly who you are. And to remember it's your birthright to find and be in places, and around people where you are embraced and appreciated. We get to find these places too - where we don't have to employ every tactic known to man to keep our own head held high - but where there are others there to embrace us and lift us up for exactly who we are.
With one foot in summer vibes, and the other one stepping into the reality that September brings, I hope my message reminds you that everyone’s summer was different. That whether folks are coming in light and open, or with heavy hearts, everyone deserves to know it matters that they are there. Your business, your team, your department is running because people are showing up - will you make the time to acknowledge that? And maybe, just maybe spend some quality time to go below the surface to see them, truly see them in a new way.
Re-Ignite and Re-engage Your Team
If you want your team members to feel heard, seen and acknowledged, doing this through team development experiences is game-changing. To inquire on how I can support you with high-impact group conversations, or masterclasses that give your people the tools to enable them to show up as their best self, set up an exploratory call here.
Speaking of leadership, if you missed these episodes over the summer, I highly recommend filling your head and your heart with these inspiring conversations.
Ep. 67 The Audacity of Leadership with Anton Gunn (Part 1)
Ep. 68 The Audacity of Leadership with Anton Gunn (Part 2)
Ep. 58 How To Tap Into Your Inner Confidence
Thanks for being here with me, I appreciate you and hope you had a restorative summer!
Stay Feisty & Fabulous,
Tosca DiMatteo
